The good mother: between sleep and reality
I've read, lately and not, articles and posts that condemn and deny the methods proposed to mothers to ′′ regulate ′′ their children's sleep.
I feel I have to have my say on this issue, it will be that I suffered so much from sleep that I got to have hallucinations, even if it didn't last long, fortunately, compared to many women who stoically lose it for years.
It seems to me that the focus is on debunking the myths concerning the validity of these methods, their effectiveness, their consequences on the psychophysical health of the child.
I would have so much to tell and share about it and, without any presumption, I think I can talk about it with full knowledge of the facts.
I think the only real myth to dispel is that mom doesn't know how painful it is for her baby to be away from her when she needs it.
Maybe not everyone will wonder what impact this could have on their relationship, rather than on their child's approach to asking for help in his life. Instead, what will be very clear to them is the grip in their stomach that they will feel every time they hear their baby cry, scream for hours or even just for a few minutes.
The truth is that they don't really need someone to explain to them that the best answer to that call, that plea, is an embrace, contact. They don't need it because it's written in nature, it's an instinctive reaction, even when it's tiring. Your child's voice is a call calibrated to each individual dyad, its tone is tuned to that of the mother, not just any mother but her own ! Crying and shouting have always been excellent tools for keeping dangers away and inviting us to rush quickly, instantly: it has been written in our genes for millennia, it would be absurd to think that a woman could inhibit all this legacy just because she read a book more or less convincing than a stranger. As always, the problem is with the question.
What could ever push a mother to challenge her own nature?
What will really have the strength to convince her to go beyond the irresistible call of her son who asks her to help him ward off the dangers he feels are so threatening to his survival? The absence of care for the little one is certainly an omen of death.
Let's try asking women, any woman, informed or uninformed, educated or completely unaware, if they are aware of what their child is asking for when he screams alone in his bedroom, do we have the courage to ask her to put herself in her shoes and tell us what emotion he perceives, if we really need to tell ourselves that he doesn't know how to answer, that he hasn't asked himself, that he doesn't feel it clearly, that he needs our enlightened explanations!
The texts submitted to the Inquisition are successful in proportion to the failure of taking charge of the woman who becomes a mother.
They are all the more successful the little time dedicated to her, the little listening, care and understanding that we are willing to offer her.
So we take them out of Estivill's hands (just to name one) and put Winnicott's hands into them (for example) or worse still our good knowledge, the result of years of study or seminars on the needs of the child and the mother. Basically, with a clever game of three cards, we tell her to take care of herself .
Those words, that knowledge, that information have not the slightest value if in the evening, in that house, there are only two of them, if in the morning the sun rises but day and night no longer exist, they are exchanged easily without ever benefit from it.
We continue to ask mothers to think, to find adequate solutions, to evaluate risks and benefits when the dimension they experience is that of their own survival and that of their child.
I know, it's shocking, but sometimes they find themselves guaranteeing it just like that, with a tug, with a denial, with immense pain from one and the other, simply out of love, for that love that they receive so little but which they still know how to give, saving what can be saved. No, it's not a simple choice, it's not a comfortable choice and much less an ignorant choice! Sometimes the only one that is possible in the conditions in which we are and none of us has the right to evaluate how proportionate it is to the degree of deprivation that drives us to do it, especially if the evaluation wants to be carried out from the top of our own silent house , in pajamas and after having eaten a nice meal, sitting at the table, a chat with the family and the day is over. And we don't have the right either from noisy houses full of requests, not even we who have resorted to the last cents of energy of the day to get them to eat and go to bed, which if we made it is all grace received, from whom and for what merit sometimes we don't know, sometimes we do and it's worth thanking.
We who are capable of feeling the pain of a mother who takes the life of her child, who are close to her in thought and heart but judge, behind the veil of disclosure, those who find strategies to continue to survive, sometimes in the true sense of the word!
The problem of the culture in which we are immersed.
What I find greatest and most unacceptable is not having distanced ourselves from nature, because it would be less painful for many if we had succeeded, but thinking that this is the result of superficiality and ignorance. The real drama is the inability to see beyond, to immerse oneself, not with the mind, but with the body, with the hands, in the mother-child relationship in this society today, looking around but also at home and wondering who is loving more and what can be used to increase and participate in that love.
It's never just a matter of costs/benefits... Love, real love, doesn't work like that..." it goes around immensely and then returns".
Diletta Vecchiarelli
3391565602
Mondo Doula website
About Diletta
My name is Diletta, I have 3 children, I am a Doula, a menstrual educator and a breastfeeding peer supporter. Over time, thanks to my maternity experience and personal growth paths, I have developed the need and desire to focus my work on supporting women. Experiencing the thirst for support and closeness on my skin, I decided that I would commit myself to being for mothers what I would have wanted for me, so that they would not feel alone having to face the great challenges of motherhood. I have chosen to continue my journey by exploring the magic and power of the feminine to enhance, help recognize and give back to each woman her infinite gifts. Even before a profession, mine is a mission!
